So like New Years is my favorite holiday so I'm just gonna type out all my thoughts and feelings about the year in one journal without much editing so here we go.
IDK how many of you guys know but this year was the first year I've ever had this hopeless of a crush on someone and honestly that's at the forefront of my mind always and I hate it so
GOAL #1 FOR THE NEW YEAR IS GET OVER HIM
Honestly it's been, what, almost six months? Like that's seriously not okay??? Help??!?
No but it's driven me pretty close to what could be called insanity
Plus I got to spend new years with him
And now my sweatshirt smells like incense because he's got a weird obsession
But it reminds me of him
And now I need help
Lots of help
Met him at band camp because he's only a freshman, and started crushing on him pretty soon after, but at the time I was in a sort of weird quasi-relationship with another guy because I was waiting until my parents would be chill enough for me to date but like I don't think I ever truly liked him back? Anyway so that kinda drove me to tears literally like every night until once school started up and I ended the relationship because I couldn't take the stress anymore so yeah that happened.
I got my first kiss from one of my girl friends too about the same time so that was awesome
Anyway eventually I started dating this other guy because you know I needed to not hate myself (god this sounds awful) but like that barely lasted because we didn't pay attention to each other at all.
And literally like the entire time I still liked the other guy sO.
Yeah I found out he didn't like me back and it was super rough for a while but I mean
I also spent some time super jealous of this other girl that he hangs out with a lot (THAT HE ACTUALLY ALMOST GOT WITH ABOUT A MONTH AFTER I GOT OVER THE JEALOUSY BUT THEN SHE LIKE TOTALLY BROKE HIS HEART AND I HAD TO HELP HIM LIKE NOT WALLOW IN SADNESS AND THAT'S WHEN I GOT CLOSER TO HIM SO) but ehh
oooooOOOOo Story Times
So our football team is really bad but we like scraped a spot into the playoffs, but since we were so far behind we had to travel like five hours away for the game. Which meant the band had to take a small group there too.
I went and so did my crush right
We agreed to sit next to each other for the bus ride cuz like I don't have friends and neither does he so
Come to find out we've got ASSIGNED SEATING all based on GENDER because you know HETERONORMATIVITY
Anyway I was kinda pissed about that but I still got to sit in like the general vicinity of my friends (most of whom are guys btw) so I guess it was okay.
Come game time and for some reason my crush is being like super friendly like way more than usual but you know I'm not complaining right? Better for me anyway. Yeah so it was a cold night and I go up to him and said "Hey my hands are cold you should hold them" AND HE ACTUALLY DID FOR A BIT but then he was like "Dang they really are cold" so he gave me his beanie to warm my hands.
His beanie also smelled faintly of incense.
Yeah that same night he also took one of my dog tags with my name on it (he still has it) and bought me hot chocolate like??? Do you get what you're doing to me?????!!??
BUT THAT'S NOT THE BEST PART OF THE STORY
Yeah so my bus buddy agreed to switch spots with him once our assistant band director turned off the bus lights for the ride back and she did so I got to sit and literally like hardcore cuddle with the guy that I liked for like four months at that point for five solid hours. FIVE SOLID HOURS OF SNUGGLING.
Best part is, our director like got up every so often to check on people to see if they're following the rules so every time he got up we would instantly break apart and play it cool right cuz we're not STUPID.
Our director literally broke up and fussed at like TWO COUPLES WHO DID THE SAME THING AS ME AND MY CRUSH and NEVER NOTICED US. And all those couples were very near us and it was just
It was hilarious to be frank
Idk I'm just kinda eehhhhh at last year because I know I've made mistakes, I know I'm awful, but like I know a lot of wonderful things happened too?? LIke???? But I'm so focused on trying to forget the past and it's really hard
Like I feel like I've ruined a lot of relationships without trying and I hate it
Like we could have been close, or trusting, but no I have to always fixate then pour my heart out because I'm way too sentimental and can't handle emotion even though everything I've talked about is just so trivial
I really just want to be happy with ME but that's not happening
2016 GOAL #2
Be happy with myself
This was supposed to be good and now I feel bad
Just ignore this I know no one read it
God I'm awful